Not A Daddy's Little Girl

**Disclaimer: This is a long & personal entry that may bore some of you, but I needed to sort out my feelings and I do that best by writing.**

I was born in New Orleans, Louisiana and was raised by my mom in Miami, Florida after my parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. My mom's side of the family lived in Miami so we moved to be close to them. Although I had my grandma, aunt and uncle close by, it always felt like it was just me & my mom in the beginning. With the exception of a few "rebellious" years on my end once I graduated high school, I've always been extremely close to my mom for that reason.

Growing up my mom used to always tell me that I could call my father and have a relationship with him whenever I wanted to. But he always moved around, changed his number, or was simply impossible to reach. Whenever I did get to talk to him I would cry and ask him why he wasn't around. Every birthday I was hopeful he'd call. Every Christmas I held out for a gift from him. In elementary school I struggled every year with Father's Day arts & crafts; I'd always make something for my mom. As I entered high school my concerns turned to who I would have the "Father-Daughter" dance with at my quinceañera (hispanic sweet 16) or at my wedding. I think it was around that time that I started to bond more with my uncle as he had been the only strong, constant male figure in my life. Even today I often say he's my dad & while I never did have a quinceañera, if Mike & I ever get married it's my uncle who will walk me down the aisle.

Even seeing dads with their daughters on the street affects me. Movies, books, songs dealing with father-daughter relationships are automatic tear-jerkers for me. This has been my whole life, a pain that I have always carried around with me that I just can't seem to shake off. Not sure I ever will be able to either. As a matter of fact, having met Mike's father & having developed a caring relationship with him was incredibly difficult for me too. I would get sick & he'd buy me medicine, make sure I was feeling ok. Now that he's in Florida he still asks to talk to me to see how I'm doing. For father's day & other "just-because" occasions I would bake him a cake & then cry that this man who barely knew me showed me more love than my biological father. I would then remind Mike how lucky he was to have a loving father in his life.

It wasn't like I never spoke to my father or saw him in all those years though. When I was about 16 I did go visit him. He was living in Orlando at the time with his new wife and 2 year old son. It was extremely difficult to sort my feelings. I felt I was betraying my mom by spending time with them. It was even harder to have conversations with my dad because as I got older my feelings of hurt and anger didn't result in crying as much as it did in me cursing him out for being absent from my life.

Also with time I learned more stories about why my parents got divorced and some of the things he put my mom through. That made it even harder to want to talk or see this man who was "my father". My whole life has been this back and forth of not being quite sure how to feel about my dad. I always felt like I was the one initiating conversations which would result in frustration and ultimately me not wanting anything to with him.

I don't remember where I was or who told me the news but the day I found out my father & his wife had a new baby daughter I lost it. Somehow him having a son didn't affect me, seeing pictures of them together, him calling me his sister. Being an only child I thought it was neat that I had a half-brother. Once I learned he had another daughter, the pain that shot through my body was indescribable. Then came facebook. Seeing pictures of their perfect family taking trips together, going to church, school events, him holding his kids. Why couldn't he have had that life with me and my mom? What changed? Were we not special enough? This still hurts, I just don't think about it because why do that to myself.

Even through that I would still manage to pick up the phone wanting him to be in my life but nothing ever stuck with him. Last year my grandfather passed away & his sister, technically my aunt, went to the funeral. It was weird for me because I was sad about my grandfather but angry that she was there, angry my father had not called me to see how I was. It got worse when I found out my father had been calling my mom and getting updates about me. WHY NOT CALL ME DIRECTLY?

I blocked him on facebook and swore him off. That was the last time I would cry because of my "daddy issues." That would be the last time he'd hurt me. That would be the last time I would ever give having a relationship with him a second thought.

And then I found out I was pregnant. How could I deny my baby the chance to know his (or her) grandfather. For better or worse, he is family. For better or worse, he is part of the reason I'm on this earth. As much as I've always hated it, sometimes I would do or say something and my mom would say I was the spitting image of my father. I didn't want to be anything like him, I don't even want to carry his last name, but blood is thicker than water, I couldn't deny that. Once again I found myself trying to call him but the number was disconnected. I emailed him and didn't get a reply. Then I remembered he was on facebook. I un-blocked him and sent him a dry message asking him to call me. I didn't think he would.

But then this Monday my phone rang. I've since made the decision to put the past behind me (that is where it belongs after all, right?) and move forward. He knows that it's in his hands to continue this relationship with me and his grandchild. I'm not going to chase after him or be upset if this withers away. (Ok, I'll be upset, but I won't be surprised). He was shocked and very happy to hear that I'm pregnant. He updated me with his new contact info and I promptly emailed him pictures & the sound clips of peanut's heart beat. He's overwhelmed and excited that I'm including him in this awesome journey.

I have faith that this won't bite me in the butt. I'd rather regret something I did versus something I didn't do and suffer the "what if" syndrome. For now I'm taking it day by day as I continue to focus on the positive. Besides, everything I have gone through, every morsel of emotion, makes me who I am today & I love that person. :)

My pregnancy is coming along really well. I'm now 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant. 4 months already! I myself can't believe it sometimes. I continue to thank my lucky stars that I am having a healthy pregnancy.

**Thank you for reading**

Happy Earth Day!

Today I'll be celebrating mother nature's birthday by having lunch outdoors and reading a book under a tree. It's a little cold to be lingering outside. However, I've been looking forward to disconnecting today and reflecting on some of the greener changes I've made in the past few months and what new things I can start doing know that little peanut is on the way.

If nothing else, join me today in a 10 minute reflection on how we can make our footprint smaller.

Tomorrow I will post the steps I've already taken and what I can improve on. Really hope to hear everyone's earth friendly solutions. :)

Ancient Proverb
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.

Thankful Thursday - Maternity Shopping

While I may not have my close family and friends here to accompany me whenever I need (or simply want to) go maternity clothes shopping, I manage to have fun all by myself. Motherhood has this silly little pillow that you wrap around your belly and every time I shop there, I wear it and giggle. I love to imagine how big my belly will get as peanut grows and it's fun to see if the clothes I'm buying will stretch along with my bump!

Baby Bump Pillow!! :)

I'm thankful for days like today where the weather was nice enough for me to walk 15 minutes over to the store. I'm thankful that I found a pretty dress for my 1st Mother's Day and especially thankful that I'll be sharing that day with my mom and grandma. I'm thankful that the dress I wound up liking the most was on sale (every dollar counts!) and I'm thankful I found underwear that now fits my rounder body. :D

Most of all I am thankful to be having a happy and healthy pregnancy. I look at myself in the mirror and still can't believe it! Then I start crying of happiness because, well, I'm hormonal and just can't help it. Which then makes me thankful for my Twitter mamas for their love and support. It's great knowing I'm not alone with how I feel! ^_^

What are you thankful for?

Wordless Wednesday

This is his niece. I can't imagine how much more precious it'll be when he's holding our little peanut.

Mommy-hood "Sacrifices"

I always knew that the day I'd decide to have a child it would change my life forever. I never gave it much thought past that general feeling though.

Mike and I are pretty much still children ourselves. We watch cartoons while eating breakfast, play video games, read comic books, treasure our action figures/stuffed animals and we are just overall lighthearted fun people!

I'm 15 weeks pregnant (yay!) and am already noticing changes or "sacrifices" that will have to be made once our little peanut arrives. I'll clarify that the word sacrifice is in quotation marks because I feel it has a negative connotations since I truly am open and excited about the adjustments I'll be making.

Ever since we became vegan I have taken active interests in volunteer organizations, animal sanctuaries, documentary screenings and other events promoting this healthy compassionate lifestyle. As it happens, most of the events that I want to attend, like Farm Sanctuary's Thansksgiving Feast FOR the Turkeys, NYC 3rd Annual VegFest, and Walk for Farm Animals are all done in October/November at which time I will be busy at home with a precious newborn. Also this year New York Comic Con will be 4 days and of course, held the day after my due date.

There are other events coming up in the midst of my pregnancy, like Veggie Conquest's Veggie Prom, Forks Over Knives Screening, and the most painful one for me to miss-Jack's Mannequin will be performing in Central Park.

Even with all of those events I'll be missing, I have so many wonderful things to look forward to. Soon I'll start feeling my baby swish around in my belly, we'll know if we're having a boy or a girl, I'll be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my mom & grandma, we'll paint our room and start decorating for peanut's arrival and oh yeah, in October we'll be HAVING A BABY!

Yes, a lot of things will be different, both on our social calendars and behind closed doors. But this is something I've always known I wanted.

Some of my single friends look at me like my life is over. My life is just now beginning. I have never been a party girl, I don't care for clubs or happy hour. Being a full time mom is not going to be much of a stretch for me. I've already started making changes, among them taking a serious interest in learning how to cook a variety of healthy, vegan meals. Next on my list is to learn how to knit or crochet. It goes without saying that I have a lot of love to give. Besides, Mike and I will finally have an excuse to be in the toy section for hours without getting weird looks from people!

Also, what better way to enjoy those events next year with our child and show them first hand what living a green, compassionate life is all about. And you know, how fun comic book conventions and cosplaying is. ^_^

Midwife Visit & Baby's Heart Beat

I officially have a midwife! I never did interview any others, or even make more phone calls like I originally set out to do. Honestly, after meeting Kimm I just knew in my gut that this was the woman that would help bring my child into this world in the comfort of my home.

Michael and I went to see her today so that they could meet each other and to ensure that the three of us were on the same page. It was a quick meeting at the end of which we all agreed that we'd work around my pending insurance application and start prenatal visits with her as soon as possible.

My next (and last) prenatal visit at the free clinic is on Tuesday the 12th where I'll ask them to release my medical records to my midwife and finally be done with that place. I already caught a glimpse into the comfort of my visits with Kimm, since her home is her office. She sits on these cool pillows on the floor and I loved the fact that she checked for peanut's heart beat on her own couch.

Today was the third time I got to enjoy hearing peanut's heart beat but it was the first time that I got to record it. Strong and healthy and 145bpm I got overly emotional (as I usually do) and couldn't stop mumbling the words "There really is a baby in my belly!"

Needless to say, today was an amazingly spectacularly magical day. :) I couldn't be more pleased with how everything is turning out and hope that things will continue along the path of the peaceful home birth that I have envisioned.

Here is a sound clip of Baby's Heart Beat 4.8.11 :)

100% Natural Pregnancy

My choice to be vegan has not been only about my dietary habits. I have incorporated a compassionate choice in every thing that I do. Compassionate for our planet, compassionate for me and now compassionate for baby as well.

In my pregnancy I have encountered obstacles finding products that work for me. For example, instead of having a "pregnancy glow" my face is all blotchy but I have yet to find natural, organic, chemical free makeup. I continue to go sans makeup because I'd rather my skin be naturally blotchy than covered up with products that might further irritate it.

I am only now beginning my second trimester but I feel my skin stretching out and I immediately began to search for a lotion that I could use. The extra obstacle in this case would be my current sensitivity to anything that is scented. Luckily my boyfriend found this amazing fragrance free, biodegradable, vegan lotion by Desert Essence. It has been the best pregnancy item so far that we've purchased.

They recently posted a contest on Twitter: "Share the story of why you switched to #natural & enter to win a year's supply of your fave DE product!" Enter here there is still time to win. :)

Below is my contest entry:

Not using natural beauty products is simply not natural in my opinion. Like most women, I never thought twice about what was in my body lotion, shampoo, lipgloss or any of my other "must have" products that were part of my repertoire. Until I did. Last year due mostly to health reasons, I made the decision to go vegan overnight. Once my research led me into the ethical reasons, the impact that we consciously choose to make in our everyday decisions, I realized I would have to change more than just my eating habits. As drastically as I changed my dietary lifestyle, I made the same choice with everything else. Makeup, perfume, lotions, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, you name it. If the ingredients list sounded like a sophisticated science project that I would not be able to complete, it was tossed or given away. Luckily I made all these changes before becoming pregnant with my first child. I am proud to say that I am having an all natural, ecoconscious pregnancy filled with compassionate choices and I intend to raise my child with the same values. With this pregnancy, I discovered Desert Essence's fragrance free lotion. Thanks to baby's aversion to chocolate and other sweet scents, I was determined to find a shea/cocoa butter whose smell would not make me lose my breakfast. Desert Essence to the rescue! It has truly made a huge difference in my day to day routine, no more itchy belly for this mommy to be! I hope that more people decide to realize what it is they're using on their bodies. We have the power to make a difference simply be becoming aware and amazing companies like Desert Essence make it possible for the changes to be compromise free.

Happy April Fools' Day!

What better day to finally announce that I'm pregnant on my facebook page than on April Fools' Day! After yesterday's disappointment of not getting my sonogram, I realized that I had put off doing a lot of things such as telling the rest of my friends because I wanted to make sure everything was ok.

Well, everything IS o.k and I decided I didn't want to wait any longer. I thought of a cute way to come out and say it, since I didn't just want to blurt out "I'M PREGNANT!" That's all I've been doing since I found out and I really wanted to try something creative this time. :)

Here's what I posted as my status a few minutes after midnight:

Look who came to visit! Dropped off a gift that says "Fragile: Do Not Open Til October 12, 2011" ♥

So far one friend commented asking me if I really was, then I guess she realized what day it was and said she wasn't going to fall for it. Another friend who already knows that I really am pregnant said that she loved it and my aunt, who also clearly knows the truth, wrote in asking if it was an April Fools' prank. 

No one else seems to have taken the bait but that's ok, I'm having a lot of fun with it! My plan is to post a picture of my 7 week sonogram a little after midnight to confirm that I am in fact expecting a little bundle of joy. :)

Two years ago, I got my mom by calling and saying I was pregnant. I went along with it for a few minutes, telling her that I wanted to wait until I was sure before I told her and that the doctor confirmed I was 8 weeks along. She started crying (happy tears) and I felt so bad that I had chosen that as my prank that I haven't fooled her since! At least today I get to tell people I'm pregnant without having to yell "April Fool!" afterwards. 

Hope that everyone has enjoyed their April Fools' Day and if you fell for a prank, don't take it seriously! Just run out and prank somebody else right back. ^_^

P.S-Happy Birthday to one of my best friends in the whole world. Barbie, you're everyone's favorite April Fool. Love you!