**Disclaimer: This is a long & personal entry that may bore some of you, but I needed to sort out my feelings and I do that best by writing.**
I was born in New Orleans, Louisiana and was raised by my mom in Miami, Florida after my parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. My mom's side of the family lived in Miami so we moved to be close to them. Although I had my grandma, aunt and uncle close by, it always felt like it was just me & my mom in the beginning. With the exception of a few "rebellious" years on my end once I graduated high school, I've always been extremely close to my mom for that reason.
Growing up my mom used to always tell me that I could call my father and have a relationship with him whenever I wanted to. But he always moved around, changed his number, or was simply impossible to reach. Whenever I did get to talk to him I would cry and ask him why he wasn't around. Every birthday I was hopeful he'd call. Every Christmas I held out for a gift from him. In elementary school I struggled every year with Father's Day arts & crafts; I'd always make something for my mom. As I entered high school my concerns turned to who I would have the "Father-Daughter" dance with at my quinceañera (hispanic sweet 16) or at my wedding. I think it was around that time that I started to bond more with my uncle as he had been the only strong, constant male figure in my life. Even today I often say he's my dad & while I never did have a quinceañera, if Mike & I ever get married it's my uncle who will walk me down the aisle.
Even seeing dads with their daughters on the street affects me. Movies, books, songs dealing with father-daughter relationships are automatic tear-jerkers for me. This has been my whole life, a pain that I have always carried around with me that I just can't seem to shake off. Not sure I ever will be able to either. As a matter of fact, having met Mike's father & having developed a caring relationship with him was incredibly difficult for me too. I would get sick & he'd buy me medicine, make sure I was feeling ok. Now that he's in Florida he still asks to talk to me to see how I'm doing. For father's day & other "just-because" occasions I would bake him a cake & then cry that this man who barely knew me showed me more love than my biological father. I would then remind Mike how lucky he was to have a loving father in his life.
It wasn't like I never spoke to my father or saw him in all those years though. When I was about 16 I did go visit him. He was living in Orlando at the time with his new wife and 2 year old son. It was extremely difficult to sort my feelings. I felt I was betraying my mom by spending time with them. It was even harder to have conversations with my dad because as I got older my feelings of hurt and anger didn't result in crying as much as it did in me cursing him out for being absent from my life.
Also with time I learned more stories about why my parents got divorced and some of the things he put my mom through. That made it even harder to want to talk or see this man who was "my father". My whole life has been this back and forth of not being quite sure how to feel about my dad. I always felt like I was the one initiating conversations which would result in frustration and ultimately me not wanting anything to with him.
I don't remember where I was or who told me the news but the day I found out my father & his wife had a new baby daughter I lost it. Somehow him having a son didn't affect me, seeing pictures of them together, him calling me his sister. Being an only child I thought it was neat that I had a half-brother. Once I learned he had another daughter, the pain that shot through my body was indescribable. Then came facebook. Seeing pictures of their perfect family taking trips together, going to church, school events, him holding his kids. Why couldn't he have had that life with me and my mom? What changed? Were we not special enough? This still hurts, I just don't think about it because why do that to myself.
Even through that I would still manage to pick up the phone wanting him to be in my life but nothing ever stuck with him. Last year my grandfather passed away & his sister, technically my aunt, went to the funeral. It was weird for me because I was sad about my grandfather but angry that she was there, angry my father had not called me to see how I was. It got worse when I found out my father had been calling my mom and getting updates about me. WHY NOT CALL ME DIRECTLY?
I blocked him on facebook and swore him off. That was the last time I would cry because of my "daddy issues." That would be the last time he'd hurt me. That would be the last time I would ever give having a relationship with him a second thought.
And then I found out I was pregnant. How could I deny my baby the chance to know his (or her) grandfather. For better or worse, he is family. For better or worse, he is part of the reason I'm on this earth. As much as I've always hated it, sometimes I would do or say something and my mom would say I was the spitting image of my father. I didn't want to be anything like him, I don't even want to carry his last name, but blood is thicker than water, I couldn't deny that. Once again I found myself trying to call him but the number was disconnected. I emailed him and didn't get a reply. Then I remembered he was on facebook. I un-blocked him and sent him a dry message asking him to call me. I didn't think he would.
But then this Monday my phone rang. I've since made the decision to put the past behind me (that is where it belongs after all, right?) and move forward. He knows that it's in his hands to continue this relationship with me and his grandchild. I'm not going to chase after him or be upset if this withers away. (Ok, I'll be upset, but I won't be surprised). He was shocked and very happy to hear that I'm pregnant. He updated me with his new contact info and I promptly emailed him pictures & the sound clips of peanut's heart beat. He's overwhelmed and excited that I'm including him in this awesome journey.
I have faith that this won't bite me in the butt. I'd rather regret something I did versus something I didn't do and suffer the "what if" syndrome. For now I'm taking it day by day as I continue to focus on the positive. Besides, everything I have gone through, every morsel of emotion, makes me who I am today & I love that person. :)
My pregnancy is coming along really well. I'm now 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant. 4 months already! I myself can't believe it sometimes. I continue to thank my lucky stars that I am having a healthy pregnancy.
**Thank you for reading**
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